Maximum Frustration

I cannot, for the life of me, make a decent coleslaw. I've attempted many different recipes over the years and all of them flat-out suck. It doesn't matter if it's with mayo or without mayo, if I salt the cabbage beforehand to drain off the moisture or if I just dress the cabbage freshly-chopped. I've even tried the Cook's Illustrated recipe and it came out bad, and I've never gotten bad results from those guys. What's the deal here? Seriously, coq au vin ain't no thang to this gal but I can't fucking make a glorified cabbage salad? This is ridiculous.